The Reality of True Love

For those who wish to truly live

“Truly, those who believe & perform righteous deeds – for them, the Compassionate One will ordain love.” {19:96}

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ

It isn’t love that hurts us, it’s assuming we can attain it for the wrong reasons.

Not very many people understand or even believe this, but love is a force of nature, an existence that flows through creatures to give them life and make it worth living; one that has to become a part of us entirely if we are to truly love anyone, from ourselves to God. And you cannot take that path of love while chasing after the wrong reasons to live, all of which takes you away from being truly human. So, the first step to becoming someone who truly loves is to accept our own humanity and to respect all of life itself.

It isn’t found within wants or needs, or even intentions and actions, it’s found by what we believe in. When your wants are satisfied and change, and they will always change, when your needs are fulfilled and done with, what’s left of the person you love? Why love them then? The same goes for your intentions and actions. Your intention is the wanting and your action is the doing of what you need to do to acquire it. What then? You can’t base love on the fleeting if you wish for it to last. It has to be directed for and to what is lasting, and within humanity, that is the soul.

That’s the core of love: faith in the right reasons to live and further life for the beauty of goodness. It’s about what we believe in. Our desires & deeds follow after only to either better, or destroy, life within and around us. We lose nothing substantial, we actually become a source of growth, the strength of our souls becoming a light for the beauty of the good in life itself. It is an unending existence, from God and returning to Him.

Love is alive, it is the sentient force of power that flows through life to give it breath, from the trees to the people to God. In order to create a home for this within ourselves, we have to first respect life as it’s own worth. Then it’s a matter of being trustworthy in integrity and honorable in fidelity: to be open, patient and loyal with the growth of love within ourselves and how we love others, to commit to whom we love with dedication for the sake of their own goodness. Finally, there comes the softer, yet no less powerful, qualities of love: compassion, gentleness, justice, humbleness, bravery… Everything we require to grow infinitely in love comes with that patient integrity, to keep striving despite the struggles that present themselves through time. But, it all starts with intending it for the right reasons, which grows within faith, whose foundation is knowledge. We cannot love without knowing, which leads to understanding – that is intimacy, the mother of solace, the warmth we feel in our bonds of love. It is to become a single soul with our beloved.

I’ve lost count long ago with how many people I’ve talked to about love and who, and why, they love – most of their relationships didn’t survive. And I could always tell which one’s would & which wouldn’t by the way they answered my questions of “why.” The answers were rarely substantial. Most of them always expected love to be something that miraculously fell from the sky into their laps, perfect & ready for them to use. The “right person,” “the one,” “true love,” “meant to be,” “soul mate,” yet their relationships had nothing to do with real love, it was all about what they could use a shallow image of love for in order to gain more of what they desired by collecting and hoarding a fleeting world.

“Why do you love him?” “He’s a ‘good’ man.” “Why did you choose her?” “She’s the most (physically) beautiful I’ve met.” “Why would you marry them?” “They come from a good family and my family approves.”

All of the reasons… physical beauty, wealth, family, culture, social status, education, career goals, “we have fun together,” even “a nice personality”… None of these are reasons that grows true love with someone, & to grow old, to raise a family, to live, to die together. Anyone can do this with you. Anyone who wants those things in their lives, and they can do all of that without ever having loved you truly. What becomes your life then, but a show? The majority of the reasons a lot of people give about loving someone isn’t them loving them, it’s them loving what the other adds to their portrait for the rest of the world to see. The prestige, the look, the repute, most people seem to only wish to create a picture perfect image together rather than truly love another. What “love” is that…? Who & what are you loving? A fantasy, an illusion, and the wrong reason. It never lasts.

So, what is true love? Start by defining love: in nearly every definition across the world from cultures to religions to even science, the essence of love has consistently been about well-being. It’s purpose is the admiration (respect), affection (caring), and adoration (devotion) for another to help them grow into a better person (and they would do the same for you in their own way), and to spread the beauty of goodness together. This is the essence of love as a whole.

A true love, however, when we choose to accept it, becomes a catalyst within us for something much greater. In this love, say foremost with God as a Muslim, my purpose is to serve Him to spread the beauty of His perfect goodness throughout life. In love with ourselves, we strive to increase the beauty of goodness from within and give it out into humanity to make it a better place. A true love with another is to forge love together, but in this love, you become one. This doesn’t mean you share the same social status or culture or even personality (although, your personalities should complement each other, even challenge one another to grow, not contend and undermine one another). It means to become one in belief, character and aim. You share a like-mindedness so in sync that you can take care of each other’s affairs without the other being constantly present to guide you. It means to share the same sense of morality where one does not do something that would hurt or horrify the other, but rather teach and grow together in understanding. It means to learn from one another in how to better both of your actions for the sake of good together.

It means to share one another so well with each other that you become mutually the best versions of yourselves together. You are both better people together rather than apart, despite the struggles, despite the circumstances or situations, despite the necessary conflicts that will arise from time to time. It means to share in each other’s lives so well that you work the best together toward your mutual aim of goodness than with anyone else. They become your mirror: showing you everything about yourself and what you can do to become better. It means to trust each other completely, remaining loyal to one another even if “better” prospects pass by, and to be open with each other in total integrity and honesty. It means not holding onto anything, from chasing other good looking people to making more money to gaining a higher social status, of this materialistic world if it means losing one another. They become your first priority in love.

It means to become one, so uniquely, that you become the best version of yourselves together – they are you and you are them, and nothing else can take their place. People are not replaceable, because no life is expendable. A true love is the highest form of respecting life; you’re just doing it with someone who makes you the best at how you do it in your own way. This is true love, this is real love.

And this takes time. It’s your life, life takes time to build. The key is to practice patience, honesty and commitment, foremost with yourself. Patience doesn’t mean sit and wait for a miracle, it means to strive with faith that you will succeed in your cause by doing whatever good you possibly can. Honesty means to be completely open in both your strength and vulnerability, but in the right time, at the right place, and with the right people – the people who prove their utmost trustworthy loyalty to you. Commitment  means consistency in your dedication to who and what you pledge yourself to – it means that your words and actions match the beliefs you claim, that you cannot be bought or bribed “for better opportunities,” and that you do not abandon that and those which you claim to love. You will make mistakes and this is okay, but we return to try again and we do not abuse others with our power; we do better.

Our love becomes true when we do not chase two opposing paths going in opposite directions. We have to choose one: either the fleeting or that which is everlasting. Love lasts when we choose it for the right reasons.