I always talk about the abuse people face at the hands of others, most often at the hands of their own family and friends, but a post online urged me to write something from a different and deeply personal perspective this time.
The post is about an old woman in India whose son abandoned her at a train station and was heard saying that he didn’t care to take care of an old sick woman anymore. It brought tears to my eyes. He didn’t leave her because she was abusing him or her grandchildren, he didn’t walk away from her because she was malevolent, he abandoned her because he didn’t want to be inconvenienced. That was the reason. Now she’s homeless and sleeps on the street with a walking cane.
And it reminded me of my own mother. When my father left us when I was 13, I was automatically the head of the household. My mom worked, but she fell into a deep depression that left her bedridden on many days. I was in charge of the cooking and cleaning when I came home from school and picking my brother up from his elementary when he was done. I homeschooled and attended college at the same time to accelerate my education. I still remember the nights I had to rub my mother’s feet and legs every night for nearly three years until I turned 19 and finally found a legal job that didn’t involve me working as a cleaner and cook at a local restaurant for some extra cash. I worked from midnight to 8 am every weekday and I was still responsible for the housework my mother couldn’t attend to. Luckily, by this time, my brother already knew how to cook and clean up after himself, so I had a bit more help. But we were still struggling. I made good a amount to keep all three of us afloat because my mother had a hard time finding a job after she quit her own due to problems at her work and my father seeking alimony because she was making more than him even though she had custody of their two sons. By this time, my mom didn’t let me touch her feet anymore because she hated seeing how tired I was every day. I was still going to school at this time, but struggling a lot to keep my grades up because I was always working and always stressed and then we went homeless for several months because what I made wasn’t enough to support three people in our city. We eventually got back up with some help from a friend and I was able to keep our apartment this time around.
Soon after, I decided to drop out and send my mother back to school and support my brother with going to school. If I couldn’t manage it, I could at least make sure that they got their education just in case something happened to me. I didn’t want them to depend on anyone else because there’s only so much outsiders will do for you without wanting something in return. This went on for the last five years and I constantly struggled to make ends meet for them, but I kept going because nobody else would do it for them. We didn’t have family who would help us because one side neglected us for our religion and the other for not being pure-blooded from their own culture. But I took the opportunity to not stay stagnant. I went to one of the best culinary schools in the world, I constantly studied my interests that I couldn’t pursue in college, and I kept doing whatever I could to understand humanity. I still wanted to become that Renaissance Muslim man I always aimed to be. And I did it quite well, all things considering. But my focus was always on being of service to others. I was obsessed with proving myself a survivor who could keep love in his heart and be worth the pride of God.
No matter how much my parents sucked at parenting, I still love them, even my dad, regardless of my own core principle for never abandoning anyone, because I know what its like to be thrown away. I live by the phrase, “Value loyalty above all else,” and that’s what’s driven me all these years. I’ll never forget how hard my mom fought to make sure we were provided for or how many times she’s traveled in the worst conditions to make sure that her sons had a place to belong and grow. I still remember how she carried me on her back for over 5 miles, one of which was uphill, just so I could go to school as a kid. I did what I did for her because she apologized for the times she let her anger get the better of her and hurt me, even when I didn’t deserve it. She never did it again and she made sure that she always stayed by my side.
I cherished and carried this principle with me for the last 10 years of my life… with my brother, my best friends, and strangers. I continuously lost sleep and skipped meals to make sure my family had enough to survive, to ensure that my best friends knew that they weren’t alone and that they had help if they ever needed it, and to ensure that anyone who needed a hand to stand up again around me didn’t feel lost without a hand reaching out to them through the darkness. Now… there isn’t a friend my mother doesn’t brag to about the son who loves her. My friends never lose hope in knowing that somebody loves them. And the world over knows that somewhere in the world, there is a person who will fight to stay with them when they’re alone.
I will always be here for the people I say I love simply by the fact that I don’t act as a crutch for them. I do what I do to empower them so they can save themselves. If you’re going to claim to love others, to know that immense and beautiful existence of loving someone, you have to be willing to sacrifice a lot more than just a few minutes. It’s hard as hell and I can say that without ignorance, because I’ve been through it, but staying with the people who love you and whom you love, who apologize and do better for you, who fight by your side when you call for them… it’s worth it. To know that even God is proud of you for doing something out of pure love is worth it.
Don’t abandon others just because it’s hard. The hardship doesn’t last, the love does.
Nurudeen Publishing 